Random thoughts

The loss

The first thing that struck me about my husband when we met for the first time was his innocence. He reminded me of a younger, naive version of myself. Something I always wanted to go back to but had outgrown by the time I realised what I missed. He reminded me of all that I couldn’t be anymore. Innocent.

Over the years, innocence was slowly peeled, layer by layer, like an old scab. To a point in time you excepted people you could trust to just rip off the bandaid and leave you bleeding. There was always this struggle between the head and the heart. The heart wanted to believe in the goodness the head saw the practicality. The older you grew the practicality took over and there  was no room for goodness.

At times you can’t figure simple things out. Things connected with feelings and emotions and people expect you to know and say don’t act so ‘naive’. But really why the hell will I complicate my life and try and figure out what your twisted mind is thinking. I rather protect whatever torn bit is left of me and stay away. Don’t ask me to think. If you can’t open up and be a man and talk issues out then don’t expect me to know cause I’m not supposed to know. I’m not your mom. Maybe even she doesn’t know what you want cause hey, you never opened your mouth!  Wonder what that has to do with innocence but trust me it is always blamed on you ‘acting’ innocent.

People say you learn from your mistakes. But what if you make the same mistakes knowing it is a mistake and you still want to go through with it? Are you just a believer or simply innocent? What does innocent mean in the first place? Not knowing the ways of the world or simply not accepting it? But then aren’t you smart by not letting yourself get corrupted by the pessimism even though what you are believing in might hurt?

I don’t know these are random ideas, which may throw up in a different light when discussed later. How much later is what we need to wait out and see.


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